What an incredible mountain you've climbed this year. Whatever shape you're in, it's amazing you are still finding ways to care for yourself. People who haven't been through hard times don't understand what an incredible task it is.
Next year can't possibly have so much trauma. As the spring's trauma recedes a little, and relative stability becomes the norm, I hope the context for everything else in life is not this incredible disruption and chaos, and maybe it will make everything easier to deal with. I can tell you things that have helped me; I hope they help you:
I know the most important lesson I learned is to be your own best friend, your own family, your own support. That doesn't exclude others, but you need to be the primary person you can depend on for love and support; be absolutely loyal, always there for yourself; then even when all else is in doubt, nothing can take away your primary partner. That requires compassion for your humanity and believing in your own value, regardless of what others say, regardless of having a very good day or very bad one (especially on the latter days). There's no doubt you deserve it. Look what you've overcome just this year.
Another lesson I learned is that I do unhealthy things because I have a genuine healthy need, but just bad ways to address it. Learn healthy coping that is effective - those needs really deserve love and help. Then don't beat yourself up when the bad habits resurface - you're human - just see them as a signal: there are some real needs right now and I need to take care of them, and here are some healthy ways. Again, have compassion for the needs and for your very human response to them.
I also try to remember, on the most difficult days: Do good in hard times. Just take a small step forward, stick to the program even when I can't remember why I'm doing it, and when the hard time ends I not only have made some progress, I feel far more confidence - instead of being depressed by the negative cycle - and that propels me forward.
Like I said, most people don't understand - in fact, I think they are a little afraid of - just how much you have overcome.
.........
... I know I'm not really addressing the practical issues, but in my experience, if I take care of the emotional ones then the practical things become far easier. But could you get an advance on your inheritence or part of it? Certainly you have very good reasons for asking!
I hope everything gets better and better as you get further away from last spring.
There's no way I'm aware to get inheritance early, but I think we're on the last 'rungs' I hope... anyways. I've filled out the last bit of paperwork and a w9... So, who knows?
I'm having trouble maybe..understanding what people mean by love yourself, or be your own family or support...I'm thinking of my life in terms of buckets where usually I focus like 90% or more on romantic interest... (I was married 18 years, so...it was a big shock being on my own...) ... but instead of being so caught up in finding my next ...person ... I've been trying to think in terms of filling buckets of: work, career, business, hobbies, family (kids), health / mental health / self help books, etc...
I'm not sure how to build compassion for myself, the rebound person I was with left me with huge scars, in fact that was maybe as far as day-to-day pain the most painful, because I'd never felt bonded to someone so strong..and to be cast aside and completely shunned and everything. I feel torn between i deserved it, and no I didn't because I'm human and people don't treat people like that. I took all the blame and made me feel very worthless.
Anyways, I digress.. a lot of this in BPD related stuff ...and DBT therapy i think is helping regulate my emotions better.
One thing I've been doing is learning guitar, everyday an hour per day. Music has saved my life, and given me an ability to meditate, though the better I get the less I have to think about what I'm doing the less meditative properties haha.
> I'm having trouble maybe..understanding what people mean by love yourself, or be your own family or support...I'm thinking of my life in terms of buckets where usually I focus like 90% or more on romantic interest... (I was married 18 years, so...it was a big shock being on my own...) ... but instead of being so caught up in finding my next ...person ... I've been trying to think in terms of filling buckets of: work, career, business, hobbies, family (kids), health / mental health / self help books, etc...
> I'm not sure how to build compassion for myself ...
I didn't understand it either at one point; I had no idea what it meant or where to start, and was taught to snear at that sort of thing (that was the biggest mistake of my life). If you're stuck, try a therapist - they can help you get started.
I can't really offer much over HN forum posts and obviously I don't know you well enough to offer advice (and I'm not an expert!), but speaking generally from one person's experience: One fundamental that might apply is that what you write about is mostly focused externally, especially the focus on a romantic partner.
It's completely normal, and in fact it's inevitable and extremely health: every human needs love, support, compassion, etc. We are social creatures - we are not built to be alone.
The needs never go away; ignore them, supress them, deny them, and yet they still will come out. There should be another physical law with those of motion, thermodynamics, etc., the Law of Conservation of Emotional Need. If you try to suppress them then they will dominate your emotions and you end up acting out on them anyway, usually in an unhealthy way at a bad time, often without realizing it. Our bodies will not be denied; they take over and almost force your hand - drinking, etc., or whatever immediate relief is available, healthy or not. Via relationships, we demand their fulfillment by others; the others become mere objects (as in, objectification) who exist to fulfill our needs.
Another principle is that if we feel vulnerable, powerless, or or worthless inside, then we look for much more externally - from unhealthy romantic partners, from drugs, from workaholism, from skydiving, from video gaming 24/7 ... different things for different people.
Those things we act out on, and those we look for externally, are signals of unfulfilled needs - real, healthy needs that we've neglected. To care for them, we must first know ourselves - really be honest. If you tell yourself, 'that's too ugly, I don't want to talk about it' - it's going to be hard to take care of the need, and it's also pretty awful; imagine a partner or a parent rejecting you like that (unfortunately, many people can imagine that very well - don't listen to those people, who probably are repeating their own experiences). We need to learn to love it all, ugly, deep, serious flaws too. Everyone has deep flaws, so that doesn't exclude love. IMHO it's the only thing that makes love meaningful - enjoying the successful fun parts is easy; in fact it doesn't even require love.
One of the biggest benefits is that, even as our external life changes - people, jobs, crazy politics - your 'best friend' is always there and can't be taken away by anyone, unless you let them.
Another benefit is that a healthy relationship with yourself enables genuine, healthy relationships with others. To get a bit mushy, if you are going connect heart and soul, that connection has to go through your conscious self. It's a serial connection (this being HN!):
your inside - your consciousness - their consciousness - their inside
The end-to-end connection is entirely dependant on that first link: If you aren't honest with yourself, how can you avoid lying to your partner? We become like an alcoholic who won't hear of the possibility that they have a problem - where do you start with that person? And again, the needs we deny internally, we inevitably demand from the other person, which is very unhealthy. If you don't love yourself, it's very hard for others to love you. And you deserve love.
Next year can't possibly have so much trauma. As the spring's trauma recedes a little, and relative stability becomes the norm, I hope the context for everything else in life is not this incredible disruption and chaos, and maybe it will make everything easier to deal with. I can tell you things that have helped me; I hope they help you:
I know the most important lesson I learned is to be your own best friend, your own family, your own support. That doesn't exclude others, but you need to be the primary person you can depend on for love and support; be absolutely loyal, always there for yourself; then even when all else is in doubt, nothing can take away your primary partner. That requires compassion for your humanity and believing in your own value, regardless of what others say, regardless of having a very good day or very bad one (especially on the latter days). There's no doubt you deserve it. Look what you've overcome just this year.
Another lesson I learned is that I do unhealthy things because I have a genuine healthy need, but just bad ways to address it. Learn healthy coping that is effective - those needs really deserve love and help. Then don't beat yourself up when the bad habits resurface - you're human - just see them as a signal: there are some real needs right now and I need to take care of them, and here are some healthy ways. Again, have compassion for the needs and for your very human response to them.
I also try to remember, on the most difficult days: Do good in hard times. Just take a small step forward, stick to the program even when I can't remember why I'm doing it, and when the hard time ends I not only have made some progress, I feel far more confidence - instead of being depressed by the negative cycle - and that propels me forward.
Like I said, most people don't understand - in fact, I think they are a little afraid of - just how much you have overcome.
.........
... I know I'm not really addressing the practical issues, but in my experience, if I take care of the emotional ones then the practical things become far easier. But could you get an advance on your inheritence or part of it? Certainly you have very good reasons for asking!
I hope everything gets better and better as you get further away from last spring.