> Luckily I still have a reputation earned from some years ago.
You've been capable of doing good work in the past, but you're deeply critical of your current work:
> I felt ashamed. ... and my code is ugly.
When you try to work, do you start on an approach but then doubt it and lose momentum?
It could be anxiety. Here are some thoughts:
1. Remember that programming is difficult and takes time. Adjust your expectations to accept slow progress.
2. Refuse to churn, even if it means writing crap code. Consider everything you write at the outset of the project/day/feature to be a rough draft. You will return to revise it, so the rough draft can be utter crap.
3. Keep your focus on a small corner of the project. Seeing the big picture can help you design a higher quality system, but considering the big picture for too long or too often allows your mind to despair. Todo lists help, but the attitude of ignoring everything but the current task helps more.
Pay attention to what you're thinking about when your mind fuzzes out. Are you worrying about something? Learn to recognize the beginning of your focus dropping away.
You said this:
> it's more about what I do than how I feel ... at this point though I feel like there's something wrong in my practices.
I think you're wrong. You knew what to do in the past (you told us so) yet you fail at similar tasks today. Your "brain turns to mush" and you think it's practice that's lacking? Not doing TDD? Too many templates? Not knowing the latest design pattern?
> Luckily I still have a reputation earned from some years ago.
You've been capable of doing good work in the past, but you're deeply critical of your current work:
> I felt ashamed. ... and my code is ugly.
When you try to work, do you start on an approach but then doubt it and lose momentum?
It could be anxiety. Here are some thoughts:
1. Remember that programming is difficult and takes time. Adjust your expectations to accept slow progress.
2. Refuse to churn, even if it means writing crap code. Consider everything you write at the outset of the project/day/feature to be a rough draft. You will return to revise it, so the rough draft can be utter crap.
3. Keep your focus on a small corner of the project. Seeing the big picture can help you design a higher quality system, but considering the big picture for too long or too often allows your mind to despair. Todo lists help, but the attitude of ignoring everything but the current task helps more.
Pay attention to what you're thinking about when your mind fuzzes out. Are you worrying about something? Learn to recognize the beginning of your focus dropping away.
You said this:
> it's more about what I do than how I feel ... at this point though I feel like there's something wrong in my practices.
I think you're wrong. You knew what to do in the past (you told us so) yet you fail at similar tasks today. Your "brain turns to mush" and you think it's practice that's lacking? Not doing TDD? Too many templates? Not knowing the latest design pattern?
It's in your mind.