Heh. I have a blog post about that as well! Basically, some women do really believe in 'traditional' roles for women. Maybe they've benefited from the current situation. Maybe it's part of their upbringing. If that's why they're making the comment, feel free to call them out on it.
If they're doing it to be ironic (I know I have), then you can probably shrug it off. Many of us have learned to be subversively snarky to put off the ones above.
I like to non-verbally snark, by breaking people's brains.
I wear long skirts all the time, and sometimes I cover my hair. So I must be traditionalist/conservative, right? No, I just don't like how jeans are all about objectifying my butt and also never fit right. Some of my coverings keep my hair nicely off the back of my neck in the summer, others let me have pretty flowy fabric (I like textiles). I'm pretty clearly not a booth babe with that skirt though, so maybe I'm a girlfriend? Oh wait, the shirt I'm wearing is from an Ubuntu Developer Summit. Hmm... Wait, but I'm knitting, back to the girlfriend idea, maybe? Oh nevermind, this is too confusing, how about talking instead of trying to guess?
I have noticed, btw, that a large portion of female developers knit or crochet. Maybe it's because knitting & crochet patterns look a lot like code, complete with for-loops and while-loops. Also, ya know, make a scarf, make a website, make a pie...make stuff!
a lot of female sf fandom is into knitting, crochet and the like too. i wouldn't even blink if i saw you at an sf con, and by extension i probably wouldn't be surprised at a dev event either (rightly or wrongly i tend to assume a fair amount of overlap among the two groups)
I'm actually a fairly baudy person. I've made sailors blush. I don't mind joking around at all.
What irks me is when someone does something sexist, and I do speak up about it... and I'm told to 'lighten up'. If it was important enough for me to say something, then at least acknowledge that.
Most of my co-workers are awesome. They'd never dream of making the dress comment, or tell me to go get their coffee. But it doesn't have to be everyone. Even a few jerks can make an environment go from awesome to horrible.
Fair enough. Is the place large enough to have a separate HR department? It's one thing to joke around, but another to make unwanted sexist comments. I've never known any HR folks who put up with the smallest bit of it. It's their job to get righteously pissed off at that kind of behavior.
It's very rare for someone to be so overtly sexist that the HR department can intervene. Usually, there's some doubt for the harasser to receive the benefit of. And besides that, how would that affect her reputation if she turns into "the complainer who got Joe fired"?
It's one thing to joke around, but another to make unwanted sexist comments
A lot of confusion and conflict can happen when 1 person things a thing is a joke, and another person thinks the same thing is a sexist comment. This can be where the "lighten up" response can come from.
HR should also be on your side there too because, at least in my company, HR is almost entirely staffed by women. So they quite possibly have their own experiences with sexism in the workplace and won't simply dismiss the problem.
> It may exist in every industry, but this is the one I've chosen, and this is where I can start to make a change.
Good! I think that's the right decision. I can't imagine what would cause the world to get better about this aside from women, on a global scale, making it very clear that it's not OK.
2. You'd be shocked how much better my environment would be if, when I expressed concern about something, I was not told to 'lighten up', but if my concern was treated as valid.
I'm surprised by that response, 'lighten up' to be clear. We always joked around and if anybody, whether it be female or male, got offended then it was certainly not OK. I have never worked with anybody that intentionally tried to offend somebody and was nothing but apologetic if it occurred. Though I am sure there are plenty that exist.
It's not about changing the asshole's behavior, per se, it's about changing the response of Jim, random third party in the meeting where Bob says he's sitting across from Katie so he can ogle her tits from:
"Katie, lighten up"
to
"Bob, stop being such a creepy fuck. It's unacceptable".
If they're doing it to be ironic (I know I have), then you can probably shrug it off. Many of us have learned to be subversively snarky to put off the ones above.